Being "put-in"

Alright - new plan. Any of the research and original ideas I had about my character apparently are useless - and I have to view this entire show as a "put in" - as though I were an understudy going on - since apparently the only direction I get is "immitate me" or "Imitate her" - so - instead of having brilliant ideas and coming up with my own Tzeitel - I will take this as "put in" practice -heck - it I had replaced Ariel - I would have to do exactly what Sierra did - so I guess here I have to do exactly what some imaginary human in the director's head did - and come up with my own motivations for why I must pick up a candlestick here - and gesture there - or spend the entire scene yelling/ (Seriously - what director says - now in this scene I want you to yell. Yell more. Yell more! - or "and now I want you to cry" - and completely foregoes any sort of motivation or understanding of the scene - what the characters want and/or are trying to achieve - and figure out the best way of getting it. "Cry now" is possibly the worst direction in the history of directing. GAH! So - I have to be me - in Woman in White - explaining to the understudies - WHY they have to cry here - and come up with the motivation and explain it and get it out of them - only them is me - if that makes any sense.) Soooooooooooooooooooo frustrating. I don't even get to stand how feels natural. I have to imitate Golde - who is shaped NOTHING like me - it's not even possible for me to stand like her - other than both being female - there is nothing in common - she is about 4'10 - maybe 200 pounds? Smuggles watermelons. Short arms compared to her torso. I have ridiculously long skinny arms, 5'6 (yes boys and girls - I was officially measured - I come in at 5'5 and 3/4.) - 130 pounds - smuggle apricots - small oranges at best - definitely not watermelons - I look ridiculous trying to walk and stand like Golde. But hey - if it was a put in - I'd have to do it. What a fabulous opportunity to practice being put in for a lead. Who knows - I might have to do it one day.

I have to learn to keep my director and my actress separate - but sometimes - it is harder than others.